Red Wednesday's Wisdom - Psalm 91

We are remaining hopeful that the 8/31/11 treatment is remembered as the last one that I will ever need.

As a recipient of the “love IV” that you all have infused in me over these past 4 weeks, there is only one word that consistently comes to me over and over and it is this: AMAZING. During this time that I have gone through the Rituxan treatments, I can honestly say that I feel like I have been on vacation! How many people could ever be blessed to say such a thing??? Mom and Dad, Val, Lisa, and Linda you are my witnesses to the laughter and fun that we had during my treatment times, even though there were some minor challenges physically and emotionally along the way. In these past 4 weeks I have not been by myself, not even for one night. The original reason for this was so that my family would feel at peace about me being around people who could help me if there were any adverse reactions from the Rituxan, especially with my respiratory system and the possibility of psychotic psychosis. Many of you, particularly, my neighbors and clients, just laughed when I mentioned the potential psychotic side effect. I think you were implying that it would be very difficult to distinguish a psychosis from who I am!!! Am I that crazy to you all????

I love what my friend Lynn said after being at her home with her and her husband Johnny, "Now you come on back! You here!" Every one of you who opened your home to me or stayed with me in mine, said over and over how you were expecting me to be rehabbing, and I was, but it was not at all your typical rehab, as we all found out. You all bathed me in rest, prayers, laughter, food, movies, shopping, walking, tears, and Scriptures. I witnessed the presence of God in the flesh through all of you.

Lynn and Johnny, you stepped up to the plate with prayer and fasting from the moment you heard about the diagnosis. Every day Lynn called and blessed me with a message of scripture for that day and its practical application. Sometimes I answered the phone, but most times I did not. Hearing and reading God's Word breathed life into me!

Psalm 91 will be the Psalm and prayer that I hold on to tightly as I continue to go through these next months of blood work, scans, and various tests. When I was being evaluated in the spring with the mouth lesion, which is still present, and before I was even diagnosed with the Waldenstrom's, my friends Lynn and Melissa shared a book with me by Peggy Joyce Ruth called Psalm 91 - God's Umbrella of Protection. I want you all to know that I CONSTANTLY heard this psalm everywhere I went and I asked many of you to read it and think of me before we even had a diagnosis. Here are the 7 promises that God speaks to us in this psalm. I believe in these promises because God is the One making them, and that is why I can say with confidence that God is healing me.

Psalm 91 Promises
1. God delivers me
2. He raises me up (lifts me up)
3. He answers me
4. He rescues me from trouble
5. He honors me because I love Him
6. He satisfies me with LONG life
7. I behold His salvation

This book is FREE by calling 877- 972- 6657

Please continue to pray for my complete healing with no side effects. The flare up of IgM can occur up to 4 months after treatment, so PLEASE do not retreat in your praying and seeking God's Word. And for those of you who do not know about Irene, my son in law's mom, she has come off of hospice with half of her cancer GONE and no new growth, and she has Stage IV ovarian cancer! When I pray for my own complete healing I pray for hers as well.

My longtime sweet friend Linda and I at the last treatment of this round.

Red Wednesday's Wisdom - Joy

My cousin Lisa had come from Canton to be my Rituxan buddy this week. One of the first comments that she made to me was this, “Colleen, you will never know how many people you have touched by what you are going through and sharing.” I quickly got some idea of what she meant.

Her Name is Joy. She has been dating my cousin Lisa’s son, James, for a couple of years, but we have never met. Six months ago, Joy started working at the Clinique counter, where Lisa is her boss. What Lisa was about to describe to me, brought tears to my eyes as she presented me with a beautiful red gift basket that was from Joy. Lisa told me how Joy was moved to go on a “red shopping spree” just for me. Having gathered her shopping treasures, Joy wanted to share her findings, so she displayed them at the Clinique counter for her co-workers to see. This sea of red began to attract customers, and the question that has now become very familiar to many of us was asked, “What’s with the red?”

As I discovered the contents of this red basket that had been beautifully tied with a red stretchy scarf and filled with an assortment of red Bath and Body antibacterial soaps, scented candles, body crèmes, and a red puffed loofah, I could see the waving banner of red that had been created at that Clinique counter. Even the basket was lined with yet another scarf of red, black, and white plaid, it was just beautiful!

I share this with you, because many of you know that I am the “froofy” type. I had gone to my closet the morning that my cousin was coming and thought to myself, "I can’t believe that with all the scarves I have in my closet, I don’t have any light weight red ones!"

What did all of this mean to me? It went so far beyond what the eye could see. It was about the power and love of God’s Holy Spirit and how God’s Spirit works through us.

I don’t know Joy, but I do know the Holy Spirit and that is WHO this red is all about. Joy was reflecting the love that God has for me and the compassion for what I am facing. God is the one who made me “froofy” and He knew exactly what my closet did not have that I wanted, but certainly did not need. God is our Provider and Supplier in so many different, sweet, and practical ways, and I love that about Him!

The name Joy is not one of those coincidences either. Joy is talked about throughout the Bible. When we ask Jesus to come into our hearts and we surrender our need to control to Him, we can begin to experience the fruit of God’s Holy Spirit living inside of us, and one of the characteristics of that fruit, is Joy (Galatians 5:22). To have the joy of God living inside of me, means that no matter what circumstance I face, I can walk it out with joy, regardless of what happens! "The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all of my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving" (Psalm 28:7).

Thank you, Joy, for being used by the Lord to accessorize and pamper me to help me look and feel my best!

Thank you, Lisa, for taking the time to make the drive down here to spend time with me and to love on me, and to put it in your words, “I am here to focus on you!” Lisa knows that it is not easy for me to think of myself as being the focus (and many of you know that to be true of me also), but I also know that God is saying this is what I need right now. There is a time to be outward focused and there is a time to rest and be inward focused. It’s a life long process of learning how to love ourselves so we can get a glimpse of how we can then love others with greater compassion and empathy the way God loves us.

In my excitement to have Lisa with me, I literally have had renewed energy. She has been such a great example of God giving me a dose of His healing Holy Spirit Power. And to ALL of you who have given me a dose of God’s spiritual medicine, I say thank you, even if I don’t know you, because I know the God who is Love, and you are His gift to me!

Going through my treatments has been a celebration of life. Cyndi, you said it so well when you talked about the days I spent being cared for at your home, “Our time together was like being on a mini vacation.”Laurie, you have always been so inclusive about me being a part of your family and wanting me to be around by asking, “When are you coming back?” This time in my life has truly been a time of JOY!

I know that my Mom, Dad, and Lauren were so concerned about my being alone during these times of treatment. What an answer you all have been to their prayers and concerns for me. You can not put a price on peace, and my family and I thank you for the peace you provided.

My precious cousin Lisa and I sporting our red power.

Red Wednesday's Wisdom - Stubborn and Rest

“STUBBORN!” That’s what I said last week to my Rituxan buddy Val, and Sara my nurse, as repeated attempts were made to get an open vein for my infusion and blood levels. I thought about all the years I have spent in being stubborn and how it has flowed through my blood and veins.

As I pondered on that word stubborn, I was taken back to a memory that took place 15 years ago as it related to the history I had of repeated kidney stone attacks. Going back to that memory symbolized a crucial turning point in my spiritual training as a nurse. I had spent years learning and then teaching about the physical cause for symptoms of disease and illness, but now God would begin to teach me about the spiritual cause or root for those same symptoms.

Kidney stones are hard and stubborn. And from a spiritual perspective, God would constantly take me to the story of Jonah and the whale to teach me what I needed to learn and process about my own stubborn and hard willed nature. Jonah was the epitome of being hard and stubborn. He didn’t want to do what he was told to do, especially when the instruction came from God. I find it so amusing that my little granddaughter, GG (Georgia Grace), loves Jonah and the whale more than any other Bible story, and just recently it “randomly” came up when I was reading a bible story to Grant, my grandson. Remember, there are no accidents just God incidences.

Though I have experienced much growth and healing when it comes to my own stubborn and hardheaded will, I have also learned that recovery from anything is a life long process. It is often slow, gradual, purposeful, and asks us to be watchful and waitful. So, here I am again as God uses my blood and veins to get my attention about being stubborn. What new information will I learn this time?

When I reflect on how long hardness and stubbornness have been around, I go back to its root in Genesis 3 where Adam and Eve are in the Garden of Eden and they choose to not listen to the voice of God. They chose to listen to a different voice with a different direction, so they ate the one and only fruit that God had forbidden them to eat. Why were they forbidden? Well, first of all, God knew more than they did, and secondly, because He was their Father, who loved them. He wanted to protect them from what He knew would hurt them. That hurt was known as evil and God did not want them to experience anything but His goodness.

You see, God did not design us out of a need for us to be robots. He wanted us to choose whether we wanted to be in a loving relationship with Him or not. God is love and God made us with the free will to choose Him and His love or to reject it.

Adam and Eve had a choice. When they heard the voice that was different than God’s, they chose to follow that other voice. Consequently, they ate the fruit and suddenly they experienced what God did not want them to find out - the evil and hurt that comes from sin, disease, sickness, natural disasters, poverty, and death. You know them all too well.

As I reflected on the word stubborn, I began to hear and see the word rest everywhere I turned. It would be in conversations that I had with many of you. I would hear it in your voice mail messages or see it in your texts and cards.

As these two words, "stubborn" and "rest", kept coming together and resonating in my head, there was this constant theme that also kept rising up from God’s Word. It started with a text from my friend Billy, and from there it got reinforced in two of my devotions and a Sunday sermon.

Here are the scriptures I kept hearing and seeing and the ONE theme that they all conveyed:
1. "If only you would listen to his voice today! The Lord says do not harden your hearts as Israel did at Meribah, as they did in Massah in the wilderness." Psalm 95:8

2. "That is why the Holy Spirit says, 'Today when you hear his voice, don’t harden your hearts as Israel did when they rebelled when they tested me in the wilderness.' ” Hebrews 3:7-8

3. “Today when you hear his voice don’t harden your hearts as Israel did when They rebelled.” Hebrews 3:15

4. "Today when you hear his voice, don’t harden your hearts." Hebrews 4:7

When you study, research, and meditate on the story that surrounds Psalm 95, the Promised Land was the gift of rest for the Israelites. It was a choice. Do I choose to listen to God’s voice and do what He says to enter into His rest? Or do I choose to disobey His voice and not enter His rest and be stubborn? Not everyone entered The Promised Land since they refused to do what God said. To enter God’s place of rest, The Promised Land, it meant to listen to and obey God.

When you study, research, and meditate on the story of Hebrews 3 and 4, you come to understand that God’s promise of rest still stands. God’s message on rest will NEVER change. For the Hebrews it meant that they believe what God said. Only those who believe what God says, can enter into God’s rest. WARNING: The voice that needs to be followed is God’s.

Webster defines stubborn as:
1. Unreasonable
2. Unyielding
3. Difficult to handle, manage, or treat

The synonym for stubborn is hard headed.

After meditating on the above Scriptures, I’d say stubborn is more than just being hard headed, it’s about being hard hearted.

Webster defines rest as:
1. Freedom from activity or labor. This is the definition that I think most of us connect with – the physical rest. But when I now think about rest, as it is described in the above Scripture message, I gain a whole new insight about the meaning of rest. When I looked at the remaining definitions that follow, they really reflect the spiritual rest I need.
2. Peace of mind and spirit
3. Free of anxiety
4. Relief or freedom

What does God want to teach me that is so crucial to my healing as it relates to stubborn?

When I want my way over God’s way, I am being unyielding and therefore stubborn, rest, Colleen.

Rest brings healing, but it is only COMPLETE HEALING when the rest is both physical and spiritual.

I must listen to God's voice so my heart is not hardened. Listening to God’s voice and direction will keep me from falling back into that stubborn nature so I can enter into God’s Promised Land of rest forever!

When I think of the rest that I need for myself, I know that it must include the physical rest. At this season in my life, I need to have courage to ask of others for their help. I also need a much deeper rest, not just the physical rest. It’s the spiritual rest of tranquility in the midst of all these physical challenges, where my mind and spirit are filled with peace. Spiritual healing brings physical healing, and when I look at symptoms from a physical as well as spiritual perspective, there is a deeper and more lasting healing. This is the deeper rest that brings deeper balance to our bodies.

SPIRITUAL REST
• It can also be called Sabbath Rest, which actually means that I am being obedient to God. If I am being stubborn I am not being obedient to God.
• It is my total trust in God’s provision
• It means that I do not have to STRIVE to create an answer or solution to my problems. Instead I have the full faith and confidence in God and His Word and I enter into His rest!
• It takes place in my mind, spirit, and soul.
• Jesus said, “Come to me all who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am HUMBLE and GENTLE at heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-30

This means that I do what God tells me to do and then I rest in Him and the job gets done. I stop striving, and I stop worrying. I rest in knowing that I can not work it out myself. I respond to God in obedience and I leave the "rest" to Him!

I will close with these few examples of spiritual rest:

With the challenges I am now going through, I could be in a tizzy about owning my home and caring for it, but I’m not. My home was for sale for 9 months, and that was prior to any symptoms I experienced. It was for sale because I asked God for His direction in terms of my staying or moving. I was open to whatever was to happen. The obvious answer was STAY, because I am still in that home and there was not ONE person who even showed any interest! There was no interest because I was the one who was to be there. That home represents to me - entering into God’s Promised Land of spiritual rest. I am resting in that answer because I believe in what God wanted me to do. I am at peace about it and I do not worry about it. And that is in the midst of these tumultuous economic times. I do not focus on the circumstances. I focus on the God who is control of all circumstances!

Owning that home has meant that I have had to make adjustments to how I take care of it. Physical rest was needed with all the fatigue I experienced over the past 2 years. So, for the first time in 16 years I did not open my pool. It bummed me out, and I struggled with what I wanted, which was to have it open. What I needed was to take a break and rest from all the energy, money, additional chores, and entertaining it would have taken. My stubborn nature did not want to change what I knew I needed to do to, rest. It took my Daddy (the Earthly one), to help me stay committed to what I originally said I needed. God was using my Daddy’s voice to speak what I needed to hear so I could rest! Do not let this go to your head, Dad!

I have been blessed with high energy. It is a gift that has been given to me from God. It is not mine to own. Over the past 10 years I have been learning how to use that energy God’s way versus my way. It will be one of those life long processes.

Spiritual rest comes from a confident trust in God and His Word.

Rest is about God and what He wants - a relationship with each and everyone of us.

Stubborn is what I can be, and it can also be the enemy called cancer, but here is what stubborn has also taught me when it comes to this enemy called cancer - I will persevere, I will remain persistent and determined to rest physically and spiritually and I will be used as a blessing and not a curse!

Val, my Rituxan buddy for the day, and I, resting in the goodness of our friendship as I got my treatment.

Red Wednesday's Wisdom

On the night before my first Rituxan treatment, I announced to my Mom before we went to bed “I’m going to wear my red tomorrow!” I gave no explanation and she did not ask for one. The next morning, on Wednesday, 8/10/11, I dressed myself in red. As I waited to greet Mom and Dad in preparation for them to accompany me to my anticipated first 6 hour treatment, Mom enters the kitchen and I am in awe as she too has dressed herself in red. Dad walks into the kitchen, and as would be expected, he is bare chested. Mom gives him a very clear direction (as only my Mom can do with my Dad) “get your red on!” Dumbfounded, my Dad leaves us and as we are all now laughing, Daddy comes back in a red shirt and then he asks the question that was echoed all day long, “What’s with the red?” We were having too much fun and laughter to be going to my oncology appointment, but that is exactly what we were getting ready to do.

Me with Mom and Dad, armed in our red to fight!

As some of you know, I drive a red convertible. The license plate says “In Faith.” I bought that car on a Good Friday, 8 years ago. Whenever I get in the car, I am constantly reminded of how much Jesus loves me and what He did for me on the cross. Red reminds me of God’s Holy Spirit who is my healer, comforter, counselor, power and guidance. I BELIEVE this because Jesus tells me this in John 14:15-16, “If you love me, obey my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate.” Advocate is equal to Comforter, Encourager, and Counselor.

I know that God is God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Over and over I have witnessed God’s living and loving presence in me and towards me. I have seen how He’s been at work through all of you as you have loved on me!!!! And that is why I wear the red. Red is all about God’s love and passion for each and every one of us.

From the moment Mom, Dad, and I walked into that office waiting room, people were asking the three of us if we had intentionally worn red. The resounding and obvious answer was, “Yes!” By wearing the color red we were sharing our belief in God and His desire to heal all of us. Because we are both physical and spiritual beings, our healing needs to happen on both a physical and spiritual level. God is our Almighty Physician and I know I am walking in the path of healing that He has set for me. Thank you, God, for all the people that you have orchestrated to care for me so I can heal.

I LOVE my doctor and so did Mom and Dad. The first question she asked when she saw us was, “What does the red mean?” I asked, “What does it mean to you?” She responded, “In my religion it means the Holy Spirit. I responded, “That is exactly what it means to us. The Holy Spirit is with us and is bringing healing!” I know the Holy Spirit lead me to her through my family doctor. My primary doctor never asked me about who I wanted to see or where I wanted to go, he just told me what I was going to do, and I did it.

As my oncologist informed us about the treatment I’d be undergoing, she also said precautions would need to be taken to observe me in between treatments and to see how I was responding to the therapy. We are all praying for no side effects and for complete healing for me, but I still need to be smart and use the Godly wisdom that God has given me. So, for now, I am going to take the doctor’s advice and not be alone and stay at friend’s homes, the first to have me is my dear friend Laurie. This will give me and my family peace of mind with everyone in the family being further away. My folks can now return to Florida. Thank you, Lord, for Laurie and her family and how they are opening their home up to me. And thanks to all of you who are serving me in so many different ways!!!

After meeting with my oncologist, we saw the “intake” nurse, who gathers and shares information. She was wearing a shirt that said BELIEVE on the front. I was surprised since I had just written about belief the day before, and so I asked the nurse what the BELIEVE on her shirt was about. She turned around so we could read the back. After seeing the list of encouraging words, this was at the bottom: Believe in the Holy Spirit!

When we walked into the treatment room, I was introduced to my nurse Sara, who was also wearing a red shirt! Of course she commented on how we were all wearing our red. When you see evidence of the Holy Spirit at work, there are no coincidences, there are only God incidences, and our morning was filled with them!

Me with my nurse Sara

It has been three days since getting the infusion and I am feeling GREAT! The #1 response I hear from phone conversations is this: “Oh my gosh, I am hearing the energy back in your voice!!!!” Over the past two years I have recognized how I need to pace myself and not go into 10th gear. That is very challenging for me, as some of you know, but I am recognizing I need to SLOW DOWN. Compared to many of you, as we have discussed, I realize that my slow is your fast. I am the same person you have seen in motion over the past two years; the only difference is that you now know a diagnosis that you did not know before. It does not alter who I am or what I am capable of doing.

On a funny note, Rituxan contains a mouse protein, weird, and kind of gross, right? Well, on the night of my first infusion, a little FAT mouse decided to make a visit to me. I have not set a mouse trap in months at my home and I could hear him (or her) under the sink after I went to bed…..I could then hear him in my bedroom closet, he had followed me into my room! The next morning I heard him under the sink again. I cleared everything out and then I realized that he was in the waste basket. Just as I picked up the basket to take it outside, he jumped out and escaped, lucky guy! QUESTION: Do you think the Rituxan is giving off a mouse scent? I am wondering if the little thing thinks that I am his long lost mother!!! Yes, God is full of humor, remember, laughter is also medicine.

PLEASE continue to pray for the following:

• This week I especially ask that you pray for the IgM to not increase with the Rituxan therapy, this can be a potential side effect that would require a further more invasive intervention, plasmaphoresis. This would have to be done before the Rituxan infusion could be given again, and we’d obviously just like me to stay the course and continue to get my treatments as planned.


• Continue to pray for me to be free of side effects and for COMPLETE healing.
• I would also ask that you pray for me to remain consistent with my juicing and have no sugar cravings during my month of treatment at this time, I’m willing to do what it takes, hence limiting my sugar intake!
  
  My love and heartfelt thanks.

Believe

Tomorrow I begin my first treatment of Rituxan to fight a very rare cancer in the bone marrow called Waldenstrom’s.

Here is what I want to say from the depth of every cell within my being, I know that I am already in the process of being healed. I have seen it in the way my body has begun to heal over the past few weeks which was prior to any diagnosis or medication.

I also know that sickness, disease, or illness of any kind, is not caused by God, nor is it God’s will. It only takes reading into the third chapter of Genesis in the Bible or Torah, to see that the devil was lurking in the Garden of Eden. His main objective was to trick Adam and Eve so they would choose to listen to his words over God’s Word. Consequently, we have all been affected by what has been called “The Fall”. The world we live in today with all of its sickness, disease, and sin originated with Satan. But, God is love, and it is always His will to love and to heal. So, for this reason, God sent His Son, Jesus, as a sacrifice in atonement for that fall. And because Jesus died and was raised from the dead, we can also experience His love and healing if we choose to believe in what He says.

Jesus says in Mark 11:22-24 that we are to have faith in God. Jesus says, “I assure you that you can say to this mountain, ‘May God lift you up and throw you in to the sea,’ and your command will be obeyed. All that is required is that you really believe and not doubt in your heart. Listen to me! You can pray for anything, and if you believe, you will have it.”

To have faith in God, means to believe in God. Right now the mountain in my life is called cancer. I am speaking to that cancer and telling it that God is lifting it up and out of me and throwing it into the sea! I do not doubt that God is doing this for me. I believe in Him! I listen to what my Lord says in His Word. I also know that prayers get answered in many different ways and at many different times. God may not answer my prayers my way, but I have learned that He always answers them!

Please pray for my COMPLETE healing, from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. Ask that the blood of Jesus cleanse my blood. May His love flow through me to then touch all of you.